Our gift (WARNING!! GRAPHIC BABY PICTURES)

I have debated posting pictures of our baby boy for a few months now.  While I was looking at them tonight, in order to make a photobook, I was convinced that I should share.  For starters, I'm a proud Mama and want you to see my most precious baby.  Secondly, I value life!  If you have any belief that at almost 12 weeks a baby is just a blob of embryonic cells, I pray that these pictures will change your mind.  No, these aren't beautiful like most baby pictures (ouch, that pains my heart to say and brings a tear to my eye, because I promise you, he was one of the most gorgeous things I have EVER seen!!)  I cherish these pictures, but I still find the one's in my  mind are even more vivid and detailed.  These do not capture all of this little one's perfectness, but I will try to describe some of the things you can't see.

FINAL WARNING!!!  THE PICTURES BELOW ARE GRAPHIC!!  There is some blood and a teeny tiny baby whose spirit is gone to be with Jesus.

Checking out my little boy!  Pure Beauty.

Wonder.  The What if's?  Dreams of a future that won't be, broken.  So much happening so quickly!

A smile from this Mama.  Even in such great loss, there is complete AWE at how perfect a Creator our God is!  

Some tears too! (LOTS of tears!)  Oh, this was just so difficult.  Saying "hello" and "goodbye" all in one day.

When looking back at this picture, I realized I have my hand on my chest just like he did.  Maybe just to keep my heart from jumping out of me.

Soaking him in.  Memorizing this little body before it's taken away forever.

W and his son.  Oh, there is nothing that is sweeter than a Daddy and his baby.

MOST GRAPHIC PICTURES ARE BELOW!!  (Close-up of Baby)

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16

This is the complete perfection of what some people call an embryo or fetus (depending on how you date).  This, my friends, is a BABY!  

His ears were so perfect on the side of his head.  Even his nose and mouth were adorable!  (Brings a smile to my face to type that!)  His left arm is lying across his chest (you could see his collar bones) and his right arm is down by his side.  The belly is still see-through.  Look at all those beautiful organs in there!  On top of his belly is an intricate little pile of umbilical cord.  It looks like a little rope wound tight.  Amazed that little cord nourished and kept this little one alive as long as it did.  And those legs, oh those skinny little legs.  I love them. I love the fact that just 3 hours before his birth/death I saw them kicking around in my belly on the ultrasound screen!  He was so active and ready to run.  I suppose he got to skip right past this whole Earth mess, and use those legs for dancing with his Jesus.  And how do I know this is a little boy?!  Well, you see that little white line between those adorable legs?  Yup, that's the little penis poking right up!  BOYS!  hehe

As I looked through these, the first word that came to mind and straight out my mouth was "BLESSED!"  Oh, we are so blessed.  I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet this baby!  So happy that I got to hold him and love him.  I'm so excited for the ways he is changing my life and helping me see Jesus more and more!  I'm thrilled my kids have a baby brother that they talk about and look forward to seeing in Heaven one day.  I have a new appreciate for my life and the beauty in the everyday.  I am thankful to be alive and here for my other 4 baby's.  

We love you so much sweet boy, and are so blessed that you came into our lives.  You are missed and we look forward to meeting you again one day.  We will run and play together (and maybe we will have a name for you by then- but my guess is, Jesus already has the most perfect name for you that's far better than one we could ever come up with  :-)

Oh, Jesus, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  

  

"Your word, O Lord, is eternal;

it stands firm in the heavens.

Your faithfulness continues through all generations;

you established the earth, and it endures.

Your laws endure to this day,

for all things serve you.

If your law had not been my delight,

I would have perished in my affliction.

I will never forget your precepts,

for by them you have saved my life.

Save me, for I am yours;

I have sought out your precepts."

Psalm 119:89-94  

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.  It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations."

Psalm 100

Remembering Baby Boy

We had a little memorial service for our Baby Boy on Saturday, December 15th.  It was hard to figure out the right thing to do.  I initially had ideas of doing something in the woods next to our house, but never felt at peace with it.  Finally, I remembered a little creek the boys and I had found.  It was the perfect spot for us.  While Christmas shopping at Ross, I came across the perfect little rock for us to leave down by the creek (after we wrote a message on it, of course.)  I went to grab flowers the night before!  It took me forever!  I stared at all the different kinds.  Once I decided to go with bright colors, I had to look through every single bouquet until I found the one that seemed the most perfect.  I was happy with my choice.  I decided we should all wear bright colors, then all the bright got covered up with jackets.  These are just silly little details, but they were important to me.

Our pastor and friend, Ron, met us to do a little service.  His wife and our friend, Stefani, took pictures. I feel like pictures will tell the story best:

When we arrived at the park and unloaded, the kids found the pictures I brought.  Elliot was showing Levi and he was saying "the baby came out of Mommy's tummy and went to heaven."  He says it frequently, I think just to verbalize and remind himself about what happened.

We walked down to the creek where I wanted to do the service....

The controlling person in me hung back, and Elliot set everything up exactly how she wanted.  Nice and spread out.  She had the flowers, then pictures, then our little rock.  The boys knocked the pictures over so many times, that she eventually buried the bottom part of the frame with sand in hopes of keeping it upright.  She never got mad.  It was so sweet to watch her prepare everything and get it 

"just so."

T

Ron talked with us about Jesus.  About Jesus saying, "let the little children come to me."  How the kids little brother was safe with Jesus now.  The words he said were perfect comfort to me soul!  He also read Psalm 139, about how perfectly Jesus knew this baby, formed it, and had it's days numbered before one of them came to be.

After Ron prayed, we all floated flowers down the creek.  The kids all remember putting a flower on their Pops "basket" (AKA Casket) at his funeral, so I thought this would be good for them.  They were so excited.  I suppose throwing things is always fun!

 Levi threw his first one.  He had been throwing sticks in the creek all morning, and suggested we throw our rock we brought in the water too!  

Elliot throwing a flower to remember her baby brother

 Ezra was having a rough morning.  Didn't feel well and just wanted me close. I helped him get his flower to toss in.

Wes and Joel.  Joel did a great job throwing his flower in!  WOW!  Even our "Baby Joel" has a baby brother!

 Some of the flowers.... floating away..... (sometimes there is such beauty in symbolism)

The back of our rock "11/28/12 In Memory of our Baby Boy.  Precious son and little brother.  We Love You!  Daddy, Mommy, Elliot, Levi, Ezra, and Joel"

Us, sad.

Wes found a great spot, off the beaten path, under a tree for our rock to stay (hopefully!)

Many thanks to my friends that encouraged me to have some sort of service.  For telling me to do whatever felt right for us!  I really do appreciate it!  It was such great closure for me.  I dreaded it and was excited about it.  I'm happy we did it and that it's over!

Good Grief

I think I've slowly been processing the loss of this baby.  Apparently, when you are in the hospital for 5 days, you don't have much time to yourself.  I would have moments of tears, and then pull myself together.  (Seriously, I didn't want to scare the nurses. Lame, I know!)  Sometimes I think "This shouldn't be that big of a deal!  I was only 12 weeks along!"  BUT, it IS a big deal!  I already fell in love with that baby boy!  I FOUGHT hard for him!  My everyday was spent focused on sitting around and keeping him alive!  7 weeks revolved around this little life!  Family drove down, flew in, and helped us in whatever way they could.  Friends came over, helped babysit, made meals.  A cleaning company came (first time ever!) and we hired a house keeper for a few hours a week.  Everyone had a little something invested in this baby.  It doesn't take a village to raise a baby, for me: it takes a village to get the baby into the world!  :-)

If you know me, you know I'm not really a trinket type of person.  I don't have collections of anything set up in my house.  However, it has been the little gifts people have given me, that have helped release the most emotion.  I find it super interesting.  A friend (thanks Jennifer) brought me the Willow Tree figurine "Remembrance" posted above.  I took it out of the box in the hospital.  Haven't been able to get it out since we've been home.  It gets me-and I don't know why!  Soon, soon I will find a special place for it. I really love it and what a nice reminder it is.

Yesterday, I checked the mail and had a package.  Surprise!  I opened it up and found this adorable charm inside (see pic on right) from my friend, Amanda (thanks!).  I started to cry at my mailbox, but decided I should pull it together since every kid in the neighborhood was walking home from school.  After dinner, I came upstairs and asked Wes to put it on my "Mommy necklace."  He hesitated, and gently said maybe I should "focus on my living children."  That didn't go over well.  I'm not mad, I'm probably just overly emotional.  He very well may be right!  I'm not so sure I'll want it on the necklace forever, but I feel like right now that's where it needs to be. (I have a cool key chain idea in mind-when I'm ready.)

When I got out of the shower, and saw my flat, skinny, empty belly, it all kind of hit me!  (A week ago, I remember getting out of the same shower and thinking I should take a picture of my belly.  I just knew I wouldn't have it for much longer.)  I don't think I realized how much I loved that little boy or would actually miss him until then!  Made me wish I had held him just a little bit longer.  I know I can't regret little things like that, but once you realize how permanent the situation is, you kinda go back and reevaluate things.  This was our last baby!  There are no "second" chances here, no redo's, no "go back to start."  It's done!  I am content with this, but have to deal with it too.  Sometimes dealing with things simply sucks.  It's no fun-none at all!

Last belly pic we took.  11 weeks.

I've had a few verses that keep coming to my mind today and encouraging me.  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."(James 1: 2-4)

Also, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2  Corinthians 12:9)  After I had been meditating on this verse, a friend posted this on her Facebook page.  I just love how God can speak to us:

"Grace is simply another word for God's reservoir of strength and protection.  We dare to stake our hope on the gladdest news of all: if God permits the challenge, he will provide the grace to meet it.  God has enough grace to solve every dilemma you face, wipe every tear that you cry, and answer every question you ask.  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all.  How will he not also graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)  Having given the supreme and costliest gift, how can he fail to lavish upon us all he has to give? -Max Lucado

What I gather from that is this: God's strength and protection are enough for me!  They're ALL I need.  His amazing power is in full swing, when I'm at my weakest.  He is capable and will do amazing things through all of this.  He loves me and is going to lavish all he can on me!  That is a promise to me that my current state of grief- truly is GOOD!  ........ OH, I am so blessed!


*Thank you for bearing with me through my ramblings.  I feel like it really helps me to write it down, and I figure it can't hurt anything to share it.  Seems like there's always a little relief when I hit "Publish."  Many thanks for all the kind messages and emails I have received.  They are so encouraging!!

Birth of Baby #5

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

                   Psalm 139:13-16

I suppose I previously would have labeled having a baby at almost 12 weeks a "miscarriage," but once you experience it, it seems like so much more.  It's a birth story just like any other baby.  So, below you will find the very graphic details of the birth of our 5th child. (I like to consider it a successful VBAC.  Makes me feel good.  HAHA!)

The whole evening of November 27th, I was MISERABLE.  My belly was very sore (in fact, I went to the doc for this complaint the day before), my back hurt, I just felt ick!  After dinner I told Wes I was going to sit on the toilet for a long time then sit on the shower floor for a long shower.  (Sounds typical of labor to me, huh?)  I did both, and then my back hurt worse.  I tried to hang out downstairs for a bit, then just went to bed.  Around midnight I woke up in excruciating pain.  I was screaming, moaning, etc.  I felt like I did when I was cranked up on Pitocin getting ready to birth twins.  It was terrible!  I wanted to call 9-1-1.  Wes decided to call friends to come over (thank God!) and I was miraculously able to make it downstairs into the car.  I still don't know how I did that.  I could barely move!

We arrived at the hospital around 1am, November 28th.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk or speak.  They took my temp and it was 102!  This surprised me and immediately alerted me that something was NOT right!  Once they got me to a room I could barely move and was just pleading with them for pain med's.  It seemed like it took forever to get them to me.  They asked so many questions and I couldn't even talk!  As soon as I got the pain med's, they worked!  It was fantastic.  They sent me to ultrasound right away.  Much to my surprise, the baby looked PERFECT!  It was jumping all around, perfect heartbeat, moving arms, everything was great!  I was shocked, and a little relieved.

The rest of my time in the ER was spent waiting on blood results and monitoring my blood pressure.  Both really concerned them.  My blood pressure stayed right around 80/40 and my hemoglobin was down to 7 (should be 11).  I eventually heard the ER doc say she was admitting me, and was excited.  I thought this would help me feel better and get the help I needed.  I was FINE with the idea.  Wes decided to head home, because they told him he wouldn't be allowed to stay with me once admitted upstairs anyways.  A little bit later a doctor comes in from the ICU and says I'll be going up there.  That's when I cried!  Just the whole idea of the ICU is scary and makes you think you're dying.  (and BTW, Wes would have been allowed up here!)

I got upstairs to the ICU and TONS of nurses were in the room waiting for me.  It was weird.  They immediately got me set up, did more blood work, etc.  My blood pressure was still very low and now my hemoglobin had decreased to 6.  A little later they started giving me 2 units of blood.  At around 6:15 I called my mom to let her know what was going on.  After a few minutes of chatting, I felt massive clots coming out.  I got off the phone and paged the nurses right away.  She came in and was super sweet, wiped it away, got it cleaned up, etc.  I was in TONS of pain again.  I had just had pain medicine (which they told me was 10x's stronger than morphine)  It was intense.  All of a sudden, I am being covered in blood clots again.  It was disgusting.  Pouring out.  More nurses came in and helped clean up.  They did save it (which I just thought was a good idea so the doctor could see how much I was bleeding).  Quiet honestly, I have bled clots like this so many times during the pregnancy, I didn't think anything of it!

A little bit later, my doctor comes in and checks out the "clots."  He comes over to me and our conversation went something like this:

doc: "Sweetie, I think we will need to do a D&C tonight or tomorrow morning."

me: (a little teary and surprised!) "Well, I want to have an ultrasound first"  

doc: "What do you want to see?"

me: "no heartbeat" (DUH!)

doc: "Well, your baby is right over here on the counter"

me: Gasp and cry!  

doc: "No one told you?!"

me: "NO!"  

I had NO clue I had given birth to the baby in the 2nd set of clots that were passed.  NO idea!  I seriously thought it was just something "normal" for me.  Talk about a shocking moment!  How did this go from a perfect baby,  jumping around on an ultrasound just a few hours before, to a dead baby on the counter?

I think the above is still the most traumatic part of the whole process for me.  I just feel like I should have been told right away, and wasn't.  I don't even know the actual time of birth.  I can just guess around 6:30am November 28th.  I know it probably seems insignificant, but I feel like I should know it.

In the meantime, doc talks with me and is just super sweet.  He is genuinely sorry about what has happened, says how proud he is of me, how strong he thinks I am, etc.  It was really nice and encouraging.  I needed that reassurance.  He said it's great that we did it "God's way and didn't chose to take things into our own hands!"  I admire him for saying that to me!  He encouraged me to hold the baby and spend time with it.  At this point, I really wasn't ready and was a bit scared of what it would look like it.  He assured me it was normal and just looked like a little baby.  I still waited.  Doc left and then people slowly trickled in.  Labor and Delivery nurses came in and checked on baby (informed me it was a BOY!) and then gave us a bunch of "gifts."  A special pillow with lavender, a pretty bracelet in a momento box, a baby bracelet with "Baby Davison" on it, paperwork with cremation vs burial options, support group info. etc.  Honestly, it was all a little much and slightly overwhelming.  I know they were just trying to help, but it was a lot to process.  

Then a sweet Labor and Delivery Benevolence nurse came in.  She was amazing.  Some people are so good at genuinely caring for others.  She went and wrapped the baby up and brought him to me.  This my friends, made it all SO REAL and SO HARD!  I cried, and cried some more.  This was not just some miscarriage of some "thing", this was my BABY BOY!  Oh, he was precious!  It was wild to hold his little body knowing that he was already dancing with Jesus.  Every part of his body was formed and knit together in miraculous perfection.  His legs were long and skinny with perfect little feet and 10 beautiful toes.  He little penis was popping right out!  :-)  His belly was see through with a beautiful pile of his tiny umbilical cord wound on his tummy.  His arms were long: his left lying across his chest with his hand by his heart, and his right down by his side. All 10 fingers were just perfect.  You could see his ribs, collar bone, cute button nose, tiny ears, adorable little mouth.  Of course, he had a large noggin, but don't all babies?  haha.  The whole time the nurse just sat with me and wondered at this baby with me.  It was a sweet time.  She took a bunch of pictures for me and then I went ahead and put him down.  We kept him in the room in case Wes wanted to see him.  Wes arrived a bit later and got to see his son.  It was nice to watch him getting to learn about this little baby.  (Updating a few days later: I can not begin to tell you how VERY priceless these photos are to me now!  I LOVE them.  It helps keep it real.  It's helped the other kids understand and see that the baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy.  I truly treasure and protect these pictures!  If you ever want to see them, please ask (much more graphic than what's on blog!)

Of course, I'm still in the hospital (finally out of ICU) fighting this infection.  I will be on IV antibiotics a few more days.  I can find tons of positive things in all this.  I KNOW for sure this is the way it was meant to do.  I felt like I've been prepared for it this entire pregnancy.  In fact, there were nights I'd sit on the couch and beg for it to be over.  I feel terrible admitting it; I wasn't wishing for anything bad to happen to the baby, I just wasn't sure how I could physically do it!  I was seriously scared that if I was left alone, I'd bleed to death!  There were times that I couldn't move or was in so much pain, nursing Joel was virtually impossible.  Someone would have to help me find a position for him, and then immediately come pick him up off me when he was done.  It was not easy!  (But, oh, and I’m so glad that I stuck with the nursing!!  Wouldn’t trade it for anything!)

There were lots of things about 5 kids that really overwhelmed me.  As soon as I found I was pregnant, I feel like God gave me a contentment with 4 children that I had never had before!  It was weird.  Almost everyday I would think, "How are we going to do this?"  I had a deep peace with the outcome of this pregnancy before I knew for sure what it would be.  I was confident in not terminating this pregnancy (as was suggested by my Perinatologist) and waiting to see what God had in store for us.  What a ride he gave us!  What a grand story to be told of his sweet love and care, his watchful eye over me.  HE is our provider and source of strength. (“I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13)

With that said, it does not make the situation easy.  My heart still hurts.  The easy thing for me to do is to stay in the hospital.  I've left a baby at the hospital before, but I knew I would be coming to see it the next day and eventually take it home.  I have NEVER left a baby at the hospital knowing that I will never get to take it home, love on it, or watch it grow up.  I'm afraid THAT will be a hard day.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

One of those days!

I'm writing and post this in hopes that someone can get a laugh..... or just a little more satisfaction from my day than I have!

The morning meant well, minus the usual fighting before breakfast!  Try walking Elliot out to meet her friend to walk to school and for the 2nd day in a row she decides to show me her true colors by refusing to wear her glasses correctly.  OH, and her backpack is "TOO HEAVY!!!"  Her lunch box and a folder are the ONLY things in it!!!

I get the boys ready, and decide to be a nice mom and find Elliot a rolling backpack.  We run into WalMart and they have NOTHING.  I remember that calling stores is much more logical for this stage in my life!  Undoing 3 carseats is just not a lot of fun.  On the way to the gym I safely (with Siri's help) call many stores (Ross, Marshalls, Target, Toys R US, Michales, AC Moore, Staples, Dicks) with NO luck!

The big boys went into the (unattended) kid room at the gym.  They did good till they both had to come out and pee/poop!  Joel sat happily in the stroller!!  He's so pleasant! :-)

On the way home from the gym (after doing: 400M run, sprints while dragging some sled of weights behind, flipping huge tires, and back squats to find our max: I did 90#'s, which I'm pretty proud of!) I called Office Depot and they had a rolling backpack!!!  WOO HOO!  We go in and the boys are wired.  Seriously, running laps around the store.  INSANITY!  A worker asked if they could help me and I just pointed to them and said "Yes!"  haha.  Find the backpack, it's a go (But I'm SURE the Contrarion Elliot will not like it.  There is probably something terribly wrong with the color purple today, or the lack of sparkle!)

Strap everyone back in the van.....and the battery is dead.  It's been giving me trouble for a few days, but there was no starting it this time.  Fortunately for us, Advanced Auto Parts was right next door to Office store!!  That was a serious blessing!!  Unfortunately there were like 10 people in line and they couldn't help us till the line was done.  UGH!  So, I have boys running around again, pointing to "OIL!!!" (or windshied deicer!)  I try to calm them with a "game" on my phone.  That's a grand idea if you have ONE 3 YEAR OLD!  This went real bad.  Screaming insued.  I kind of thought that if I just let them scream the guy might come help me faster.  (Is that a bad attitude?)

It's now 12, LUNCH TIME! and my battery needs a 30 minute charge to be retested again.  Unload stroller (which I should have done an hour ago to avoid the madness in the stores!!!) and find a place to feed these kids.  By the time we walked to eating place, I think I was about to pass out, at my wits end, shaky (probably partially dehydrated from gym), and ready to just be done.  As we walked the stroller hit a bump and Levi said "Woah mom,  that was a big bump!  I give you one point for that!"  Yes, that was one moment that made the day better!  I cracked up!

Find some grilled food to order then sit down.  SO..... how many times can a couple 3 year olds go to the bathroom during a quick meal?!?!?  OH MY!!  Both had to pee..... then both had to POOP!  Seriously!  I can't tell you how many times this morning Ezra freaked out about his shorts!  He hated them!  I have no idea what was wrong with them (that silky basketball short material) but he would start breaking down about wanting them off and say he's never wearing them again!  Made me chuckle.  Maybe if he would wear underwear that would help?

Joel, he ate his lunch and was an angel!  Thank you Lord, that was a blessing!!

Walk back to Auto Store and have to wait for it to finish the charge.  Verdict: IT's good.  The guy tells me that and just looks at me like I should take the battery and carry on my way.  I say "great... now can he put it back in my van so I can leave?"  In the meantime, Ezra dumps an entire cup of water on his lap-for fun-then screams!  Screams some more.  Then Levi starts telling Ezra "crack your pants!"  They both start laughing hysterically.  It was kinda funny, but I thought they were saying "crap your pants"and was seriously questioning their vocabulary and use of this word!  They kept saying it over and over, loudly!  I'm sure everyone else thought what I did, but they really were saying "crack your pants" and just thought they were funny!  They love to make up silly things and laugh.  We head to the van to get the battery in, Ezra screams while the guy installs the battery too.  THEN, falls asleep on the way home.

AHHH.....I just needed to write that to vent!  I feel better.  Boys are asleep (except Levi who is banging on something in his room).  Yesterday i separated the boys for nap and Levi was in my room.  I hear all this noise and turns out he has taken 6 decorative candles off the wall and is rolling them on the floor! (As an update: after I wrote this I realized Ezra wasn't exactly sleeping either.  Big difference between quiet and sleeping.  He was in my room today, and I guess he decided to find a cough drop, eat it, and drool it all over my pillow.  Lovely!)

I'm ready for a day off!!  When is my weekend???  ;-)  17 years?  Oh, good--that will be nice.

I think I am becoming more and more content with just 4 kids.   Yes, VERY CONTENT!  They are a blessing, I LOVE THEM TONS, but this sure isn't easy!

Additional note from the evening: Know what's super scary?! Watching your 3 year old ride his bike down a hill at a ridiculously fast speed, toward an intersection, and not know how to brake!! I have never seen Wes sprint so fast. I think he was faster than an Olympian!! It was impressive and I am thankful he was there. No more hills till braking is mastered!! :-). At bed time Ezra told me "I almost crashed into Elli's school!". Pretty sure he would have crashed into a moving vehicle at a busy crossroad first. Whew! Thank you, Lord, for protecting our Ez Man.

I also love how God perfectly orchestrates things, even when we can't understand them.  Wes couldn't find his flip flops, and as a last resort put on a more sturdy shoe.  Turns out God knew he would be needing them!!  Ahh, I just love moments like this!

Egg Casserole Stuffed Mushroom Style

We tried the stuffed mushrooms from the Practical Paleo cookbook a few nights ago.  They were AMAZING!  As we were eating them, I knew I could combine the recipe with eggs for a great breakfast.

With the school year starting, I am realizing that it isn't always easy to cook a big breakfast before 7:30am.  I am trying to come up with more casserole recipes so that we can just reheat in the morning.  Also trying to get the kids use to eating whole fruits (Bananas, strawberries, etc) so I am not wasting my time slicing (Although, I think I'm probably the one that likes everything sliced just so-better to eat with a fork and combine the flavors.  yumm!)

Ingredients

4-8 oz mushrooms chopped

1 lb natural sausage

1/4 C red pepper

1/4 C onion

2 C chopped spinach

1 clove garlic

bacon fat (or other cooking fat)

16 eggs, beaten

grassfed cheese (OPTIONAL)

preheat oven to 350

sautee mushrooms, peppers, and onions until tender.  Add sausage to the pan and cook until no pink remains.  Add the spinach and garlic.  

Spread cooked ingredients into a 9 x 13 pan.  Top with the beaten eggs.  Top with the fresh cheese.  Bake for 30-40 minutes.

Beef & Mushrooms (Crock Pot)

I needed to throw together a quick Sunday dinner and came up with the following with ingredients from around the kitchen.  Ezra had been sick 2 days before so I made him homemade chicken broth and soup.  I needed to use up the leftovers and could easily incorporate them into this recipe.  Yah, I'm pretty sure the picture isn't that appetizing-but it was good-I PROMISE!

4 lbs beef stew meat
6 C homemade chicken broth
8 oz sliced mushrooms
1+ TBSP Oregano
1 onion slicked

Combine in crockpot and cook on low 8 hours.  It has the flavor of a beef stroganoff without all the cream.  We served this with steamed broccoli and sweet potatoes.

Turd Balls

*I have no idea what to call these things, but they look like turds, and they help produce turds, so "turd balls" seemed appropriate.* 

 Joel has had some pooping issues since he was in the NICU.  Even after he came home, he was that breastfed baby that only pooped once a week.  Since I introduced solids a few weeks ago things got backed up!  (The fact that he LOVES meat and eggs probably didn't help either!)  I was giving him a suppository once a week to get him going.  Since we are doing Baby Led Weaning (NO purees!) and he self feeds everything, I wanted to come up with something he could feed himself that would help with the constipation.  It worked!!  2 days after giving him these (2/day) he pooped on his own-just 3 days after his last poop!  I'm so excited.  So.... if you have a constipated little one (or yourself I guess) try this recipe.  They really are tasty.  (I love prunes-but since I don't need them, they don't love me back!)

INGREDIENTS:
1 C dried prunes
1 apple
1/2 C flax seed meal

Finely chop the apple.  Sautee until tender (maybe a little coconut oil).  Finely chop the prunes.  Combine all ingredients in a bowl until well mixed.  Form into little balls (or logs :-)  about the size of a large marble.  Place on parchment paper and store in refrigerator.

*I'm thinking pears might work even better in place of the apples.  All the "P's" are supposed to be good for "P"ooping!  I just didn't have any pears on hand so I went with apples.

Happy Pooping!!

Joel is ONE!

One year ago, we were able to meet our sweet miracle baby!  All 3 lbs 13 oz of him!  It is so exciting to see how he has grown over this past year, and how God has grown me!  When I went into labor 10 weeks early, I never thought I'd think that was a perfect situation-but I DO NOW!

Because I'm me, and this is what I do, I have to reflect a little :

I spent lots of time sitting on the couch when I was pregnant with Joel.  It wasn't as terrible as one would think.  It was actually really humbling.  I learned to accept the help of others (thanks mom and dad) and everyone else who came to babysit and bring meals!  Not to mention ALL of the people that were praying for us!  It's kind of nice to just get over yourself and know that you can't do it all on your own!  We were meant to be a community and help each other.

I knew I had issues during the pregnancy, how can you ignore hemorrhaging multiple times when your pregnant? ;-)  I was VERY convinced that it would all go away, that I would have a full-term (at least 9 lb baby), and that everything would be a "MIRACLE!"  Seriously!  When I went into labor I really thought "Great, now I'm not going to be part of a real miracle!" It's fun to look back and laugh at my ideas!

When we first moved up here to Virginia I got involved in a Beth Moore Bible study of Daniel and it really helped clarify so much for me.  See, we can be delivered FROM the fire, but that isn't always what God chooses to do when we are in the midst of a trial.  There are also two other scenarios: We are delivered THROUGH the fire or we are delivered BY the fire into His arms.  Although I thought I was going to be delivered FROM a trial (bed rest, preemie baby, c-section, etc) God decided to deliver me THROUGH all of that and help refine my faith.  I am SO THANKFUL that I was not kept from going through this experience.  I've met amazing people, I've loved a baby more than words, I've learned to empathize with others on so many levels.  You really have no idea what it's like to leave your child at the hospital for weeks on end until you have done it.

I am so thankful that my water broke-that God sent us that sign that it was time for Joel to be born!  Do you remember, I was cleared off of bed rest about 14 hours before my water broke?!  Once again, man may have ideas about what is good, but God is in CONTROL!  I am thankful for technology and ultrasounds that alerted the doc to the fact that Joel was not doing well.  I'm thankful for c-sections that got our baby out quickly and healthy (Yes, me- Ms. NATURAL BIRTH herself is thankful for c-sections!)  I'm thankful for nurses and doctors that love and know how to care for babies.  I'm even thankful for the tubes that helped feed him and monitor him.  I'm thankful for medications to help get rid of whatever infection I had.  (I still don't fully understand what was wrong with me, but I'm glad it went away.)  I'm thankful for all those hours up in the NICU holding my little miracle baby.  I'm thankful for how well he learned to nurse and that he continues to do so (no birthday cake eating pic's here-the kid really just loves his Mama!)  I'm thankful that there are heroes out there that donate blood.  The day Joel received his transfusion, he was a totally different baby!  He got better so quick and never had another "issue" after receiving blood.  I'm thankful that God chose not to deliver me BY this "fire" and gave me more time here to raise these precious little one's and love my man.  It's important work-HIS work-and I don't take the responsibility He has given to me lightly.

I'm thankful for so many things, the above is just a start.  I'm very convinced that Joel is thankful to be alive too!  He really is the sweetest baby you have ever seen.  He is always happy and content.  He very rarely cries and the boy loves to giggle at and watch his brothers and sister.  He's crawling all over and loves to explore by putting things in his mouth!  He has 6 chompers and is 17+ lbs.  (Okay, I'll admit it, it will be nice when he sleeps more than a 3 hour stretch!...but I suppose that is my fault for not doing anything about it.)  He just started eating food this past week.  We are doing Baby Led Weaning (BLW) so he self feeds all his food.  No purees! :-)  It's fantastic.  He also had his first turd (suppository-induced). So sad to see formed up poo.  (Aren't you glad you're reading this?)

He is incredible and we all love him so much.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEL!!  We are so blessed to have you in our lives and to have the opportunity to love you and watch you grow up!  What a way to celebrate our 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY-by having your 1st BIRTHDAY!  What a special day!

*We aren't having an actual birthday party for Joel, but you just became part of his virtual party!   (WOOT!)  We would LOVE it if you would go donate blood in honor of him!  YOU could save a life!  What better birthday present could you give someone?!

If you are new to this blog: feel free to check out THIS post about when he was born (although when I reread it I'm pretty sure I misspelled a bunch of things and probably got some details wrong-but it was the best account I had at the time :-)  Also, THIS post about him being home from the hospital.  Since November, I've been side-tracked with blogging about FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!  We have switched to a Paleo diet, and I have been blogging lots of the recipes we use.  If you like good, healthy food, read away!

Date/Walnut bars

I've had this recipe for a while, but never got around to making it.  Now, I can't figure out what was stopping me!  It was amazing!  (Okay, maybe it's the lack of chocolate that kept me away-but I clearly took care of that!)

Gluten Free Date Walnut Barsprinter friendly
1 ½ cups blanched almond flour
¼ teaspoon sea salt
¼ teaspoon baking soda
3 eggs
¼ cup grape seed oil (I used coconut oil)
¼ cup agave nectar (honey is better for you-I'm guessing you could replace this sweetener with a banana too!)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 cup walnuts, chopped (I used this and got them very fine)
1 cup dates, pitted and chopped (also, made very fine)
1 square 100% chocolate, melted
1 square 72% chocolate, melted

1. In a large bowl, combine almond flour salt and baking soda
2. In a medium bowl, combine eggs, oil, agave and vanilla extract
3. Stir wet ingredients into dry
4. Fold walnuts and dates into batter
5. Scoop batter into a greased 8x8 inch baking dish
6. Bake at 350° for 22-30 minutes
7. Cool 
8. Melt the squares of chocolate and mix together.  Drizzle over the top.  YES, this recipe would be just fine without the addition of the chocolate, but it was oh-so-delicious with it!!

I should also add, I did steps 1-4 in my NEW KITCHENAID STAND MIXER!   It was fantastic.  As Elliot says "we have an extra set of hands in the kitchen now!"  I put the 1st 3 ingredients in and turned it on "stir."  I just kept adding all the other ingredients while it stirred them up for me.  Even added the dates and walnuts!  Came out perfectly!