Birth of Baby #5

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

                   Psalm 139:13-16

I suppose I previously would have labeled having a baby at almost 12 weeks a "miscarriage," but once you experience it, it seems like so much more.  It's a birth story just like any other baby.  So, below you will find the very graphic details of the birth of our 5th child. (I like to consider it a successful VBAC.  Makes me feel good.  HAHA!)

The whole evening of November 27th, I was MISERABLE.  My belly was very sore (in fact, I went to the doc for this complaint the day before), my back hurt, I just felt ick!  After dinner I told Wes I was going to sit on the toilet for a long time then sit on the shower floor for a long shower.  (Sounds typical of labor to me, huh?)  I did both, and then my back hurt worse.  I tried to hang out downstairs for a bit, then just went to bed.  Around midnight I woke up in excruciating pain.  I was screaming, moaning, etc.  I felt like I did when I was cranked up on Pitocin getting ready to birth twins.  It was terrible!  I wanted to call 9-1-1.  Wes decided to call friends to come over (thank God!) and I was miraculously able to make it downstairs into the car.  I still don't know how I did that.  I could barely move!

We arrived at the hospital around 1am, November 28th.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk or speak.  They took my temp and it was 102!  This surprised me and immediately alerted me that something was NOT right!  Once they got me to a room I could barely move and was just pleading with them for pain med's.  It seemed like it took forever to get them to me.  They asked so many questions and I couldn't even talk!  As soon as I got the pain med's, they worked!  It was fantastic.  They sent me to ultrasound right away.  Much to my surprise, the baby looked PERFECT!  It was jumping all around, perfect heartbeat, moving arms, everything was great!  I was shocked, and a little relieved.

The rest of my time in the ER was spent waiting on blood results and monitoring my blood pressure.  Both really concerned them.  My blood pressure stayed right around 80/40 and my hemoglobin was down to 7 (should be 11).  I eventually heard the ER doc say she was admitting me, and was excited.  I thought this would help me feel better and get the help I needed.  I was FINE with the idea.  Wes decided to head home, because they told him he wouldn't be allowed to stay with me once admitted upstairs anyways.  A little bit later a doctor comes in from the ICU and says I'll be going up there.  That's when I cried!  Just the whole idea of the ICU is scary and makes you think you're dying.  (and BTW, Wes would have been allowed up here!)

I got upstairs to the ICU and TONS of nurses were in the room waiting for me.  It was weird.  They immediately got me set up, did more blood work, etc.  My blood pressure was still very low and now my hemoglobin had decreased to 6.  A little later they started giving me 2 units of blood.  At around 6:15 I called my mom to let her know what was going on.  After a few minutes of chatting, I felt massive clots coming out.  I got off the phone and paged the nurses right away.  She came in and was super sweet, wiped it away, got it cleaned up, etc.  I was in TONS of pain again.  I had just had pain medicine (which they told me was 10x's stronger than morphine)  It was intense.  All of a sudden, I am being covered in blood clots again.  It was disgusting.  Pouring out.  More nurses came in and helped clean up.  They did save it (which I just thought was a good idea so the doctor could see how much I was bleeding).  Quiet honestly, I have bled clots like this so many times during the pregnancy, I didn't think anything of it!

A little bit later, my doctor comes in and checks out the "clots."  He comes over to me and our conversation went something like this:

doc: "Sweetie, I think we will need to do a D&C tonight or tomorrow morning."

me: (a little teary and surprised!) "Well, I want to have an ultrasound first"  

doc: "What do you want to see?"

me: "no heartbeat" (DUH!)

doc: "Well, your baby is right over here on the counter"

me: Gasp and cry!  

doc: "No one told you?!"

me: "NO!"  

I had NO clue I had given birth to the baby in the 2nd set of clots that were passed.  NO idea!  I seriously thought it was just something "normal" for me.  Talk about a shocking moment!  How did this go from a perfect baby,  jumping around on an ultrasound just a few hours before, to a dead baby on the counter?

I think the above is still the most traumatic part of the whole process for me.  I just feel like I should have been told right away, and wasn't.  I don't even know the actual time of birth.  I can just guess around 6:30am November 28th.  I know it probably seems insignificant, but I feel like I should know it.

In the meantime, doc talks with me and is just super sweet.  He is genuinely sorry about what has happened, says how proud he is of me, how strong he thinks I am, etc.  It was really nice and encouraging.  I needed that reassurance.  He said it's great that we did it "God's way and didn't chose to take things into our own hands!"  I admire him for saying that to me!  He encouraged me to hold the baby and spend time with it.  At this point, I really wasn't ready and was a bit scared of what it would look like it.  He assured me it was normal and just looked like a little baby.  I still waited.  Doc left and then people slowly trickled in.  Labor and Delivery nurses came in and checked on baby (informed me it was a BOY!) and then gave us a bunch of "gifts."  A special pillow with lavender, a pretty bracelet in a momento box, a baby bracelet with "Baby Davison" on it, paperwork with cremation vs burial options, support group info. etc.  Honestly, it was all a little much and slightly overwhelming.  I know they were just trying to help, but it was a lot to process.  

Then a sweet Labor and Delivery Benevolence nurse came in.  She was amazing.  Some people are so good at genuinely caring for others.  She went and wrapped the baby up and brought him to me.  This my friends, made it all SO REAL and SO HARD!  I cried, and cried some more.  This was not just some miscarriage of some "thing", this was my BABY BOY!  Oh, he was precious!  It was wild to hold his little body knowing that he was already dancing with Jesus.  Every part of his body was formed and knit together in miraculous perfection.  His legs were long and skinny with perfect little feet and 10 beautiful toes.  He little penis was popping right out!  :-)  His belly was see through with a beautiful pile of his tiny umbilical cord wound on his tummy.  His arms were long: his left lying across his chest with his hand by his heart, and his right down by his side. All 10 fingers were just perfect.  You could see his ribs, collar bone, cute button nose, tiny ears, adorable little mouth.  Of course, he had a large noggin, but don't all babies?  haha.  The whole time the nurse just sat with me and wondered at this baby with me.  It was a sweet time.  She took a bunch of pictures for me and then I went ahead and put him down.  We kept him in the room in case Wes wanted to see him.  Wes arrived a bit later and got to see his son.  It was nice to watch him getting to learn about this little baby.  (Updating a few days later: I can not begin to tell you how VERY priceless these photos are to me now!  I LOVE them.  It helps keep it real.  It's helped the other kids understand and see that the baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy.  I truly treasure and protect these pictures!  If you ever want to see them, please ask (much more graphic than what's on blog!)

Of course, I'm still in the hospital (finally out of ICU) fighting this infection.  I will be on IV antibiotics a few more days.  I can find tons of positive things in all this.  I KNOW for sure this is the way it was meant to do.  I felt like I've been prepared for it this entire pregnancy.  In fact, there were nights I'd sit on the couch and beg for it to be over.  I feel terrible admitting it; I wasn't wishing for anything bad to happen to the baby, I just wasn't sure how I could physically do it!  I was seriously scared that if I was left alone, I'd bleed to death!  There were times that I couldn't move or was in so much pain, nursing Joel was virtually impossible.  Someone would have to help me find a position for him, and then immediately come pick him up off me when he was done.  It was not easy!  (But, oh, and I’m so glad that I stuck with the nursing!!  Wouldn’t trade it for anything!)

There were lots of things about 5 kids that really overwhelmed me.  As soon as I found I was pregnant, I feel like God gave me a contentment with 4 children that I had never had before!  It was weird.  Almost everyday I would think, "How are we going to do this?"  I had a deep peace with the outcome of this pregnancy before I knew for sure what it would be.  I was confident in not terminating this pregnancy (as was suggested by my Perinatologist) and waiting to see what God had in store for us.  What a ride he gave us!  What a grand story to be told of his sweet love and care, his watchful eye over me.  HE is our provider and source of strength. (“I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13)

With that said, it does not make the situation easy.  My heart still hurts.  The easy thing for me to do is to stay in the hospital.  I've left a baby at the hospital before, but I knew I would be coming to see it the next day and eventually take it home.  I have NEVER left a baby at the hospital knowing that I will never get to take it home, love on it, or watch it grow up.  I'm afraid THAT will be a hard day.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11