Remembering Baby Boy

We had a little memorial service for our Baby Boy on Saturday, December 15th.  It was hard to figure out the right thing to do.  I initially had ideas of doing something in the woods next to our house, but never felt at peace with it.  Finally, I remembered a little creek the boys and I had found.  It was the perfect spot for us.  While Christmas shopping at Ross, I came across the perfect little rock for us to leave down by the creek (after we wrote a message on it, of course.)  I went to grab flowers the night before!  It took me forever!  I stared at all the different kinds.  Once I decided to go with bright colors, I had to look through every single bouquet until I found the one that seemed the most perfect.  I was happy with my choice.  I decided we should all wear bright colors, then all the bright got covered up with jackets.  These are just silly little details, but they were important to me.

Our pastor and friend, Ron, met us to do a little service.  His wife and our friend, Stefani, took pictures. I feel like pictures will tell the story best:

When we arrived at the park and unloaded, the kids found the pictures I brought.  Elliot was showing Levi and he was saying "the baby came out of Mommy's tummy and went to heaven."  He says it frequently, I think just to verbalize and remind himself about what happened.

We walked down to the creek where I wanted to do the service....

The controlling person in me hung back, and Elliot set everything up exactly how she wanted.  Nice and spread out.  She had the flowers, then pictures, then our little rock.  The boys knocked the pictures over so many times, that she eventually buried the bottom part of the frame with sand in hopes of keeping it upright.  She never got mad.  It was so sweet to watch her prepare everything and get it 

"just so."

T

Ron talked with us about Jesus.  About Jesus saying, "let the little children come to me."  How the kids little brother was safe with Jesus now.  The words he said were perfect comfort to me soul!  He also read Psalm 139, about how perfectly Jesus knew this baby, formed it, and had it's days numbered before one of them came to be.

After Ron prayed, we all floated flowers down the creek.  The kids all remember putting a flower on their Pops "basket" (AKA Casket) at his funeral, so I thought this would be good for them.  They were so excited.  I suppose throwing things is always fun!

 Levi threw his first one.  He had been throwing sticks in the creek all morning, and suggested we throw our rock we brought in the water too!  

Elliot throwing a flower to remember her baby brother

 Ezra was having a rough morning.  Didn't feel well and just wanted me close. I helped him get his flower to toss in.

Wes and Joel.  Joel did a great job throwing his flower in!  WOW!  Even our "Baby Joel" has a baby brother!

 Some of the flowers.... floating away..... (sometimes there is such beauty in symbolism)

The back of our rock "11/28/12 In Memory of our Baby Boy.  Precious son and little brother.  We Love You!  Daddy, Mommy, Elliot, Levi, Ezra, and Joel"

Us, sad.

Wes found a great spot, off the beaten path, under a tree for our rock to stay (hopefully!)

Many thanks to my friends that encouraged me to have some sort of service.  For telling me to do whatever felt right for us!  I really do appreciate it!  It was such great closure for me.  I dreaded it and was excited about it.  I'm happy we did it and that it's over!

Good Grief

I think I've slowly been processing the loss of this baby.  Apparently, when you are in the hospital for 5 days, you don't have much time to yourself.  I would have moments of tears, and then pull myself together.  (Seriously, I didn't want to scare the nurses. Lame, I know!)  Sometimes I think "This shouldn't be that big of a deal!  I was only 12 weeks along!"  BUT, it IS a big deal!  I already fell in love with that baby boy!  I FOUGHT hard for him!  My everyday was spent focused on sitting around and keeping him alive!  7 weeks revolved around this little life!  Family drove down, flew in, and helped us in whatever way they could.  Friends came over, helped babysit, made meals.  A cleaning company came (first time ever!) and we hired a house keeper for a few hours a week.  Everyone had a little something invested in this baby.  It doesn't take a village to raise a baby, for me: it takes a village to get the baby into the world!  :-)

If you know me, you know I'm not really a trinket type of person.  I don't have collections of anything set up in my house.  However, it has been the little gifts people have given me, that have helped release the most emotion.  I find it super interesting.  A friend (thanks Jennifer) brought me the Willow Tree figurine "Remembrance" posted above.  I took it out of the box in the hospital.  Haven't been able to get it out since we've been home.  It gets me-and I don't know why!  Soon, soon I will find a special place for it. I really love it and what a nice reminder it is.

Yesterday, I checked the mail and had a package.  Surprise!  I opened it up and found this adorable charm inside (see pic on right) from my friend, Amanda (thanks!).  I started to cry at my mailbox, but decided I should pull it together since every kid in the neighborhood was walking home from school.  After dinner, I came upstairs and asked Wes to put it on my "Mommy necklace."  He hesitated, and gently said maybe I should "focus on my living children."  That didn't go over well.  I'm not mad, I'm probably just overly emotional.  He very well may be right!  I'm not so sure I'll want it on the necklace forever, but I feel like right now that's where it needs to be. (I have a cool key chain idea in mind-when I'm ready.)

When I got out of the shower, and saw my flat, skinny, empty belly, it all kind of hit me!  (A week ago, I remember getting out of the same shower and thinking I should take a picture of my belly.  I just knew I wouldn't have it for much longer.)  I don't think I realized how much I loved that little boy or would actually miss him until then!  Made me wish I had held him just a little bit longer.  I know I can't regret little things like that, but once you realize how permanent the situation is, you kinda go back and reevaluate things.  This was our last baby!  There are no "second" chances here, no redo's, no "go back to start."  It's done!  I am content with this, but have to deal with it too.  Sometimes dealing with things simply sucks.  It's no fun-none at all!

Last belly pic we took.  11 weeks.

I've had a few verses that keep coming to my mind today and encouraging me.  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."(James 1: 2-4)

Also, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2  Corinthians 12:9)  After I had been meditating on this verse, a friend posted this on her Facebook page.  I just love how God can speak to us:

"Grace is simply another word for God's reservoir of strength and protection.  We dare to stake our hope on the gladdest news of all: if God permits the challenge, he will provide the grace to meet it.  God has enough grace to solve every dilemma you face, wipe every tear that you cry, and answer every question you ask.  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all.  How will he not also graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)  Having given the supreme and costliest gift, how can he fail to lavish upon us all he has to give? -Max Lucado

What I gather from that is this: God's strength and protection are enough for me!  They're ALL I need.  His amazing power is in full swing, when I'm at my weakest.  He is capable and will do amazing things through all of this.  He loves me and is going to lavish all he can on me!  That is a promise to me that my current state of grief- truly is GOOD!  ........ OH, I am so blessed!


*Thank you for bearing with me through my ramblings.  I feel like it really helps me to write it down, and I figure it can't hurt anything to share it.  Seems like there's always a little relief when I hit "Publish."  Many thanks for all the kind messages and emails I have received.  They are so encouraging!!